A Day About Town

When I have extra time, which comes infrequently but in spurts, I like to go to the public library and read magazines. I’ve got some time right now, as evidenced by the fact that I’m finally able to update this blog – lately I’ve been too busy to write but also too busy to have any thoughts, which I could subsequently write about, so it’s worked out. I took some pictures and had more than 140 characters to say about them, so here we are. It’s a quick and lazy way to get back in action with the blog. Sorry if it looks like a tumblr, but I do what I want.

A couple of years ago I got stuck in a study carrel at the Bentonville Public Library. I had been locked in somehow and was debating whether to start banging on the door and making a spectacle of myself screaming “Help! I’m trapped in the study!” I got the number for the library though and called them, to discreetly let them know I needed a maintenance guy or someone to come open the door, and they said “Um, push it.”

I found this sign yesterday and I’m wondering if I should feel vindicated because these instructions are clearly needed for all carrel patrons, or dumb all over again because these signs are generally only posted for idiots.

The library has been really crowded lately, because it’s summertime. I’m really loyal to libraries and I know I should be happy to see them swelling with patrons, but I find the summertime crowds loud and germy. So I left.

I went for a walk around the square in Bentonville, because waiting out my dad while he’s at the hospital gym takes like forever. My favorite store (maybe) is this supply store for teachers and their ilk. They have the best stickers. I think I’m going to take my niece there this week, because she just turned six and needs a gift, but really because I want an excuse to buy things there.

They have all the signs teachers need for classrooms. 

But they also have things for home schoolers.

They have a ton of cool pencils.

And Pizza Fractions!

This sign reminds me of Mike Birbiglia’s Simple Pizza Mathematics, which is an important read.

I was excited because I thought I found a snow cone stand across from the farmers’ market at the water park. Then I realized it was a crepe cart, and that is so stupid. I like crepes as much as the next guy, but who eats hot fruit when it’s 95 degrees outside? Get over yourselves.

There’s a good amount of running water in downtown Bentonville. Makes me think of my friend Megan, who works in Community Development in Chapel Hill - she gets all excited about running water in public places where children can congregate in the summertime. I search for places with air conditioning; children seek out water. Bentonville may be a bunch of uppity snobs, but if you can ride a bike around with your kids in the summer, and play at a water fountain, and get some crepes, and stop by the library, maybe it’s not such a bad place to be.

Top 5 Movies to Watch During the Potential Government Shutdown

With the looming possibility that Congress will not pass a budget and the cogs that turn the American machine will jam and rust over (more or less) the best thing I can think to do is watch movies and hide under the covers waiting for the sun of a functioning bureaucracy to shine again. Below are some of my favorite movies related to politics and government:  a mix of inspiring, critical, and satirical that will make you the appropriate mix of fed-up and pissed off. Enjoy with a beer named after a famous patriot, and you can throw the bottle at the wall while quoting our forefathers!

5. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington – A man goes to Congress, does his job.

4. Quiz Show – A man goes to Congress, does his job.

3. All the King’s Men (1949) – A man enters into politics, becomes disappointing.

2. Nixon – A man enters into politics, becomes disappointing.

1. Duck Soup – A man enters into politics, becomes hilarious.

Top 5 More Important Questions Than "Does Angelina's New Tattoo Mean She's Having Another Baby?"

The internet is tackling the tough questions today. I’ve seen three different places pondering about Angelina Jolie’s new tattoo. Here are five questions you should ask yourself first, before investigating this totally important celebrity body art news.

5. How’s your Mama and them?

Have you talked to her lately? Do any of your cousins have new tattoos or new babies? Call home, child. She misses you.

4. Are you a good tipper?

Many people think they know the answer to this one, and they are wrong. The poor economy is hard on service industry employees who rely on tips to make up the huge gaping hole between their minimum wage and everybody else’s. Remember this: If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to go. If you need a lesson, watch the opening scene of Reservoir Dogs ‘cause this shit’s important. And then watch the rest of the movie while you’re at it, because it’s been a while since you’ve seen it right?

3. Has Brad Pitt shaved his beard yet?

I think we all care a little more about this one, right? I mean, think of the smooth-skinned Adonis from Fight Club and now think of the scraggly, pajama-wearing hobo that walks around claiming to be Brad Pitt. Paul Newman got better looking with age, why can’t this guy?

2. Is the milk you’re drinking going to give you cancer?

Cause some of it might. Also check into your fresh produce, water bottles, cookware, shampoo, your sunscreen, or lack thereof. It’s coming from everywhere, guys. Everywhere.

1. Are you having a baby?

This is definitely the most important question you should ask yourself today, and every day. Far more relevant than the Jolie-Pitt’s growing clan is what’s happening in your own neighborhood. If you are unsure of the answer to this one, take a test or make a phone call right away, kiddos. And if you find out you are not having a baby, might as well celebrate with a new “I’m not having a baby” tattoo on your arm.

Top 5 Songs with Terrible Lyrics

Since I professed my love yesterday for songs with awful lyrics that happen to be catchy as hell, today’s hastily assembled Top 5 list is about songs with much worse lyrics than Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and will probably be famous for much longer. So turn down the hate, folks.

5. "Peaches" by Presidents of the United States of America – I love this song and let’s be honest, these lyrics are very stupid. Some people try to claim there’s a deeper meaning to them (sex) but there’s not. PUSA confirms it; this really is just a song about eating peaches.

4. "The Sign" by Ace of Base – As a kid, I listened to this cassette pretty much every day. And if I had the chance, I might do it today. They actually won awards for this song, and it’s awful. Random phrases like “under the pale moon, where I see a lot of stars” lead absolutely nowhere. Doesn’t matter. Everybody got into this jam.

3. "Catch My Disease" by Ben Lee – Maybe less famous than others, but just as nonsensical. I love Ben Lee, but this has to be the dumbest of his songs, which is probably why it was his biggest hit. Bubbly pop, a sing-song chorus, and instantaneous feel-good music (with clapping!) will bury this song in your head all day. I know it’s wrong, but I love it so.

2. "We Built This City" by Starship – I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t turn the radio up when this song comes on. It’s the best. And the worst. It was co-written by the great lyricist Bernie Taupin, which is shocking. This disappointing turn for the once great Jefferson Airplane has terrible lyrics. But it's got fantastic vocal harmony and it’s totally danceable! It makes you say “Hey you’re right! We did build this city on rock and roll! Defiance!”

1. "MMMBop" by Hanson – The ultimate nonsense song that heroically plagued a nation. It’s not easy to do, but “MMMBop” does it beautifully. But then again, these boys are from Tulsa, so you know, they’re badasses. The verses reach for some kind of meaning, but they never achieve it. And the chorus, as you know, is just a jumble of letters. They might mean something, after all “in an mmm bop they’re gone,” but they don’t. This song just gets better with age. If you haven’t listened to it in years, do yourself a favor and do so now. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Obsessions and Lessons

I’d like to make up for selfishly spending my time having fun in March instead of dutifully serving the readers of my blog, most of whom are curious European websurfers led here by accident (hi guys!). As I’m working to catch up on four weeks’ worth of podcasts and wasting time on the computer, I’ll be in blogging overdrive. Up first, because it’s been a while, this week’s obsessions are as follows:

This “Friday” Cover - I haven’t heard Rebecca Black singing “Friday” but like everyone else, I’ve seen the malicious backlash against it, and frankly I don’t get it. If you don’t like the song, ignore it. It’s not hurting you. From the lyrics I heard in this cover, it’s just a high school version of so many Ke$ha songs. It’s not clever, but get over yourself. I have a soft spot for songs that aren’t that good but are catchy as hell, because it takes some skill to write a hook that gets a song stuck in your head incessantly (See: “Hook” by Blues Traveler, an ode to the mad skillz it takes to say absolutely nothing and make you love it).

This cover is likable though, because this girl can sing pretty well, and she’s so darn adorable. Polka dots, black nail polish and west side bangs, girl you are so Wicker Park. Let’s talk about Etsy sometime. Her performance gets the whole point of a nothing song that just makes you smile, and her ad-lib is sweet. “Forget the hate that you may have read, and replace it with all kinds of love instead.” Amen.

3eanuts – It’s a tumblr page hosting classic Peanuts comics with the last panel removed, to highlight the existential malaise of the young gang. This is genius: taking away the joke becomes the joke. How perfect is that? Looking at how dead on the comics were sans punchlines, it's a good reminder that Charles Schultz was the Man.

Whatever the Opposite of Prince William’s Wedding Is – Coming from someone who has a lot of time to waste on inconsequential nonsense and has a serious obsession with weddings, I don’t care.

Talking to People on the Subway – I talk to people on the train all the time. I talk to people on the way to the train, walking down the sidewalk. But the maker of this short film has a point, which is that people don’t. His daring is greater than just the outgoing among us who make friends for ten minutes though, because he decides to overcome the separateness of commuters by tackling the kind of deep questions that insist upon connection. Even those that don’t want to participate are made to acknowledge their fellow passengers, and I’d like to think their interest was piqued to listen to their interviews. This video is provocative, at least for its 12 minutes.

NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament playing “Born This Way” like, all the time – I thought of this last week when I caught Victoria Jackson blabbering on Showbiz Tonight about how Glee turns kids into homos or something. She’s turned into a real jackass since her SNL days. Finding religion ≠ turning into a bigot. I turned the t.v. off; I don’t know why we tune in to crazy instead of tuning out (ahem Charlie Sheen) but there was some talk of it the next day. I thought of this: Victoria Jackson can go on Showbiz Tonight and rattle off her hate, but CBS Sports is repeatedly playing “Born This Way” over their slam dunk montages and poster shots. Who has the bigger audience? Would such a song have been played over the tourney 15 years ago? There’s some social change for your bitch ass, Victoria.

**Bonus! Top 5 List!**

Since Top 5 Lists are the easiest way to make up for sparse posting, I’ll have one for every day this week! I started a new job last week that I’m pretending has kept me busy, but really I only worked 26 hours, which is much less than half of what I used to work when I had a real grown-up job. I work for a fancy butcher shop, but my job is to tend their small meat counter at a grocery store, and it’s boring. I took it for two reasons:  a) It leaves me plenty of time to take my dad to his doctor’s appointments and physical therapy, and make him sandwiches;  b) I don’t have much experience with meat (hardy har okay maybe a third reason is meat jokes). So I’m attempting to learn a few things, and in honor of this, here are the Top 5 Things I’ve Learned At My New Job:

5. Sirloin is the squishiest kind of beef.

4. English people pronounce the word “filet” as “fill-it”.

3. Nobody out there knows how to cook flank steak. Except me, because this is the one cut of beef I’m very familiar with. The rest of y’all are fools. If you eat meat, this is one worth learning, folks. If you don’t like it, you’re doing it wrong (this maxim applies to more than just meat).

2. The butcher actually has all his fingers, but his thumb has been re-attached (sliced off by bone saw).

1. I do not want to be a butcher.

A Very Important Matter of Taste

I watched The Godfather with my parents tonight, because my mother doesn’t like it. That seems nonsensical, but it’s very important to me, actually, that my mother likes The Godfather. We got into a discussion the other day where she admitted that she didn’t like it, and I set out to make a believer out of her. I made marinara sauce, like Clemenza, to win her over with spaghetti and meatballs. I convinced myself that if she were in the right mood, and I could build enough excitement, she’d enjoy it. She’d get it. She’d realize how wrong she was to write it off when she saw it in the theater 40 years ago. It didn’t work. She said it was boring. The Godfather is not boring. It demands an acute attentiveness which, if given properly, rewards you with one of the most engrossing movie experiences you can find. She didn’t get it.

Why is it so important to us that our loved ones share our interests? It’s nice to have things in common, to discuss and share, and it’s nice to have different favorite movies, like different bands and read different books to keep things interesting. But don’t we all have one or two things we value enough that it’s an outright problem if someone we respect doesn’t appreciate them? I mean, could you love someone who doesn’t love Otis Redding? Could you respect someone who doesn’t like The Godfather? Could I marry someone who doesn’t like Southern poetry?  It’s so silly, but so easy to get hung up on these things. This whole ordeal with my mom just makes me think of how hard it would be to put up with a guy who didn’t like the right things, brings up my fear that I really will get attached to someone who doesn’t like Miller Williams or Robert Penn Warren. Wouldn’t that be a problem?

If your affection for High Fidelity is as intense as mine (if it isn’t, I probably have a problem with that) you know what I’m talking about. Nick Hornby says, and it feels so true, that what matters is what you like, more than what you are like. I’ve agreed and disagreed with this, back and forth over the years. The first gut reaction is “yes! of course!” but as I grew out of being as pretentious and judgmental about artistic tastes as I once was, I sort of let it go. Rob Gordon and company are pretentious and judgmental and were exactly what I wanted to be, what my asshole friends and I prided ourselves on being back in college. But that’s all bullshit. It’s such a snobbish way to walk through the world, looking down on people for owning Julio Iglesias albums. When I got more comfortable with liking things that weren’t high brow or obscure, enjoying things because they were enjoyable, not just because they were good, I decided that what matters isn’t what you like as much as why you like it. That’s where the good stuff is. Liking terrible music because you listened to it with your parents on car trips; watching crappy movies because you always watch them with the same person. The relationship someone has with the things they like is way more interesting than a list of all the right favorite things.

But that only goes so far. I still can’t get past it when someone doesn’t love what I love. What you dislike, that matters. It matters what you like when it doesn’t include The Godfather. To say that “it’s no good pretending any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently, or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party” is placing too much importance on approving of your counterpart’s interests. Let that stuff go. The troublesome stuff is this: when that which you connect to most deeply in the world is totally unaffecting to someone you care about. The art that you’re most passionate about in the world, the books, the movies, the music you love, these things define you as a person. They’re part of you. I don’t want someone who thinks I’m funny or nice or smart, I want someone who knows what I’m talking about when I talk about the last verse of “Oh My Sweet Carolina.”  Sharing that with somebody – that’s the point.

I’ve run into the problem of having too much in common with a guy. It’s boring. There’s never anything to argue about, and you don’t learn anything new. Maybe we should just let go of the compulsion to impose our favorite things onto other people. So what if they don’t like what we do? What does it hurt? Surely we can find other points to relate on. But there’s something so satisfying about that moment when someone tells you they love what you do, so reassuring. And there’s something so great about falling for something that someone else loves, and passes on to you. Is it enough? Is going without it enough?

I’m not a person with a lot of answers. I told my mom to try and dream about The Godfather and we’d talk in the morning. Last night after my sister read The Great Gatsby for the first time and said she didn’t like it, I spent ten minutes telling her why I loved it and what’s so great about F. Scott Fitzgerald, and by the end she was telling me all her favorite things about it, saying that talking about it had changed it for her. I have a friend who doesn’t like High Fidelity, but I haven’t resigned the idea that I can win him over. And that’s the part that makes me feel okay about not having any answers. There’s hope in believing that you can still help to change someone’s mind, but even better than that is knowing that you still want to.

Wolves in Sheep's Kosher Clothing

You know that stinging feeling you get when you’re flirting with a guy because you think he’s Jewish and then you find out he’s not? Maybe?

If you’re unfamiliar, it’s like when you’re at a bar and you think you’ve found an adorable new gay friend but then you find out he’s just really stylish and his friends are homophobic. Thanks for getting my hopes up, guys from Madison County who still call their friends gay. Pssh.

That rug-pulled-out-from-under-you feeling is the worst. When I found this Gawker article about a Jewish soccer team that’s not even comprised of real Jewish guys, I was reminded of that feeling, the disbelief, the betrayal. How can we sleep at night knowing there are men out there just posing as Jews, constructing elaborate lies and secret identities for personal gain? In the case of these footballers (they’re in England, I think that’s what they call it) it’s the typical example of faking it for no good reason. Why not just join another league? People like me can’t handle this deception. It shakes the foundation of my beliefs. Okay, beliefs might be a strong word for irrepressible attraction to Jewish guys. Whatever. But still – is there nothing left in this world we can trust?

In the case of the guy I thought was Jewish but wasn’t, he was at least straightforward about it. He looked really Jewish, I assumed he was Jewish, and then he apologetically explained he was Irish Catholic, but he “gets that a lot.” My heart sank, but at least I knew what I was dealing with. I could still trust him and things started to look up when he said “But I’m adopted, so you know, I could be Jewish for all we know.” If he’d lied, I would feel pretty awful about making out with him.

Maybe this is a victimless crime, but surely the Maccabi Southern Football League would disagree. Who will be your next unwitting victim, fake Jews? Unsuspecting women everywhere, beware. And if you undress a guy, be sure to check his clothing labels for shatnez.