The internet is tackling the tough questions today. I’ve seen three different places pondering about Angelina Jolie’s new tattoo. Here are five questions you should ask yourself first, before investigating this totally important celebrity body art news.
5. How’s your Mama and them?
Have you talked to her lately? Do any of your cousins have new tattoos or new babies? Call home, child. She misses you.
4. Are you a good tipper?
Many people think they know the answer to this one, and they are wrong. The poor economy is hard on service industry employees who rely on tips to make up the huge gaping hole between their minimum wage and everybody else’s. Remember this: If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to go. If you need a lesson, watch the opening scene of Reservoir Dogs ‘cause this shit’s important. And then watch the rest of the movie while you’re at it, because it’s been a while since you’ve seen it right?
3. Has Brad Pitt shaved his beard yet?
I think we all care a little more about this one, right? I mean, think of the smooth-skinned Adonis from Fight Club and now think of the scraggly, pajama-wearing hobo that walks around claiming to be Brad Pitt. Paul Newman got better looking with age, why can’t this guy?
2. Is the milk you’re drinking going to give you cancer?
Cause some of it might. Also check into your fresh produce, water bottles, cookware, shampoo, your sunscreen, or lack thereof. It’s coming from everywhere, guys. Everywhere.
1. Are you having a baby?
This is definitely the most important question you should ask yourself today, and every day. Far more relevant than the Jolie-Pitt’s growing clan is what’s happening in your own neighborhood. If you are unsure of the answer to this one, take a test or make a phone call right away, kiddos. And if you find out you are not having a baby, might as well celebrate with a new “I’m not having a baby” tattoo on your arm.
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