Top 5 Movies to Watch During the Potential Government Shutdown

With the looming possibility that Congress will not pass a budget and the cogs that turn the American machine will jam and rust over (more or less) the best thing I can think to do is watch movies and hide under the covers waiting for the sun of a functioning bureaucracy to shine again. Below are some of my favorite movies related to politics and government:  a mix of inspiring, critical, and satirical that will make you the appropriate mix of fed-up and pissed off. Enjoy with a beer named after a famous patriot, and you can throw the bottle at the wall while quoting our forefathers!

5. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington – A man goes to Congress, does his job.

4. Quiz Show – A man goes to Congress, does his job.

3. All the King’s Men (1949) – A man enters into politics, becomes disappointing.

2. Nixon – A man enters into politics, becomes disappointing.

1. Duck Soup – A man enters into politics, becomes hilarious.

Top 5 More Important Questions Than "Does Angelina's New Tattoo Mean She's Having Another Baby?"

The internet is tackling the tough questions today. I’ve seen three different places pondering about Angelina Jolie’s new tattoo. Here are five questions you should ask yourself first, before investigating this totally important celebrity body art news.

5. How’s your Mama and them?

Have you talked to her lately? Do any of your cousins have new tattoos or new babies? Call home, child. She misses you.

4. Are you a good tipper?

Many people think they know the answer to this one, and they are wrong. The poor economy is hard on service industry employees who rely on tips to make up the huge gaping hole between their minimum wage and everybody else’s. Remember this: If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to go. If you need a lesson, watch the opening scene of Reservoir Dogs ‘cause this shit’s important. And then watch the rest of the movie while you’re at it, because it’s been a while since you’ve seen it right?

3. Has Brad Pitt shaved his beard yet?

I think we all care a little more about this one, right? I mean, think of the smooth-skinned Adonis from Fight Club and now think of the scraggly, pajama-wearing hobo that walks around claiming to be Brad Pitt. Paul Newman got better looking with age, why can’t this guy?

2. Is the milk you’re drinking going to give you cancer?

Cause some of it might. Also check into your fresh produce, water bottles, cookware, shampoo, your sunscreen, or lack thereof. It’s coming from everywhere, guys. Everywhere.

1. Are you having a baby?

This is definitely the most important question you should ask yourself today, and every day. Far more relevant than the Jolie-Pitt’s growing clan is what’s happening in your own neighborhood. If you are unsure of the answer to this one, take a test or make a phone call right away, kiddos. And if you find out you are not having a baby, might as well celebrate with a new “I’m not having a baby” tattoo on your arm.

Top 5 Songs with Terrible Lyrics

Since I professed my love yesterday for songs with awful lyrics that happen to be catchy as hell, today’s hastily assembled Top 5 list is about songs with much worse lyrics than Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and will probably be famous for much longer. So turn down the hate, folks.

5. "Peaches" by Presidents of the United States of America – I love this song and let’s be honest, these lyrics are very stupid. Some people try to claim there’s a deeper meaning to them (sex) but there’s not. PUSA confirms it; this really is just a song about eating peaches.

4. "The Sign" by Ace of Base – As a kid, I listened to this cassette pretty much every day. And if I had the chance, I might do it today. They actually won awards for this song, and it’s awful. Random phrases like “under the pale moon, where I see a lot of stars” lead absolutely nowhere. Doesn’t matter. Everybody got into this jam.

3. "Catch My Disease" by Ben Lee – Maybe less famous than others, but just as nonsensical. I love Ben Lee, but this has to be the dumbest of his songs, which is probably why it was his biggest hit. Bubbly pop, a sing-song chorus, and instantaneous feel-good music (with clapping!) will bury this song in your head all day. I know it’s wrong, but I love it so.

2. "We Built This City" by Starship – I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t turn the radio up when this song comes on. It’s the best. And the worst. It was co-written by the great lyricist Bernie Taupin, which is shocking. This disappointing turn for the once great Jefferson Airplane has terrible lyrics. But it's got fantastic vocal harmony and it’s totally danceable! It makes you say “Hey you’re right! We did build this city on rock and roll! Defiance!”

1. "MMMBop" by Hanson – The ultimate nonsense song that heroically plagued a nation. It’s not easy to do, but “MMMBop” does it beautifully. But then again, these boys are from Tulsa, so you know, they’re badasses. The verses reach for some kind of meaning, but they never achieve it. And the chorus, as you know, is just a jumble of letters. They might mean something, after all “in an mmm bop they’re gone,” but they don’t. This song just gets better with age. If you haven’t listened to it in years, do yourself a favor and do so now. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Obsessions and Lessons

I’d like to make up for selfishly spending my time having fun in March instead of dutifully serving the readers of my blog, most of whom are curious European websurfers led here by accident (hi guys!). As I’m working to catch up on four weeks’ worth of podcasts and wasting time on the computer, I’ll be in blogging overdrive. Up first, because it’s been a while, this week’s obsessions are as follows:

This “Friday” Cover - I haven’t heard Rebecca Black singing “Friday” but like everyone else, I’ve seen the malicious backlash against it, and frankly I don’t get it. If you don’t like the song, ignore it. It’s not hurting you. From the lyrics I heard in this cover, it’s just a high school version of so many Ke$ha songs. It’s not clever, but get over yourself. I have a soft spot for songs that aren’t that good but are catchy as hell, because it takes some skill to write a hook that gets a song stuck in your head incessantly (See: “Hook” by Blues Traveler, an ode to the mad skillz it takes to say absolutely nothing and make you love it).

This cover is likable though, because this girl can sing pretty well, and she’s so darn adorable. Polka dots, black nail polish and west side bangs, girl you are so Wicker Park. Let’s talk about Etsy sometime. Her performance gets the whole point of a nothing song that just makes you smile, and her ad-lib is sweet. “Forget the hate that you may have read, and replace it with all kinds of love instead.” Amen.

3eanuts – It’s a tumblr page hosting classic Peanuts comics with the last panel removed, to highlight the existential malaise of the young gang. This is genius: taking away the joke becomes the joke. How perfect is that? Looking at how dead on the comics were sans punchlines, it's a good reminder that Charles Schultz was the Man.

Whatever the Opposite of Prince William’s Wedding Is – Coming from someone who has a lot of time to waste on inconsequential nonsense and has a serious obsession with weddings, I don’t care.

Talking to People on the Subway – I talk to people on the train all the time. I talk to people on the way to the train, walking down the sidewalk. But the maker of this short film has a point, which is that people don’t. His daring is greater than just the outgoing among us who make friends for ten minutes though, because he decides to overcome the separateness of commuters by tackling the kind of deep questions that insist upon connection. Even those that don’t want to participate are made to acknowledge their fellow passengers, and I’d like to think their interest was piqued to listen to their interviews. This video is provocative, at least for its 12 minutes.

NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament playing “Born This Way” like, all the time – I thought of this last week when I caught Victoria Jackson blabbering on Showbiz Tonight about how Glee turns kids into homos or something. She’s turned into a real jackass since her SNL days. Finding religion ≠ turning into a bigot. I turned the t.v. off; I don’t know why we tune in to crazy instead of tuning out (ahem Charlie Sheen) but there was some talk of it the next day. I thought of this: Victoria Jackson can go on Showbiz Tonight and rattle off her hate, but CBS Sports is repeatedly playing “Born This Way” over their slam dunk montages and poster shots. Who has the bigger audience? Would such a song have been played over the tourney 15 years ago? There’s some social change for your bitch ass, Victoria.

**Bonus! Top 5 List!**

Since Top 5 Lists are the easiest way to make up for sparse posting, I’ll have one for every day this week! I started a new job last week that I’m pretending has kept me busy, but really I only worked 26 hours, which is much less than half of what I used to work when I had a real grown-up job. I work for a fancy butcher shop, but my job is to tend their small meat counter at a grocery store, and it’s boring. I took it for two reasons:  a) It leaves me plenty of time to take my dad to his doctor’s appointments and physical therapy, and make him sandwiches;  b) I don’t have much experience with meat (hardy har okay maybe a third reason is meat jokes). So I’m attempting to learn a few things, and in honor of this, here are the Top 5 Things I’ve Learned At My New Job:

5. Sirloin is the squishiest kind of beef.

4. English people pronounce the word “filet” as “fill-it”.

3. Nobody out there knows how to cook flank steak. Except me, because this is the one cut of beef I’m very familiar with. The rest of y’all are fools. If you eat meat, this is one worth learning, folks. If you don’t like it, you’re doing it wrong (this maxim applies to more than just meat).

2. The butcher actually has all his fingers, but his thumb has been re-attached (sliced off by bone saw).

1. I do not want to be a butcher.